Astray
by SynapticFirefly
Summary: Cartman loses his sense of purpose as everyone grows and moves on without him. Maybe he deserves it.


**A/N:** Based on an anon prompt on tumblr!

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It started when he was twelve. His face became angular and he got taller and wider. He doesn't get away with shit anymore like he used to as a child, which royally sucked because exploiting for attention was what kept him relevant. With that out of his reach, he's left stagnated and unsure what to do with his life now.

Then the dreams come. He's sharper with his words and insults now that he had no purpose to funnel his boredom through. Kyle's nose is much too large and sharp when he bites back, but Cartman can't stop losing the fantasy of kissing him and it's horrifying. That's when he realized the only constant attention he had left to crave from was the resident Jew boy of South Park.

He kept his desires a secret. He treats it like a special game between them, but only he knew the rules. If he so much as revealed this crutch - that this boy was literally his entire world - Kyle would win and gloat like a bitch about it. That just wouldn't do.

He's content the first year of puberty. There's not much difference in dynamics with his relationships with the others and it's odd. Stan drifts once middle school gives way to South Park High and spends his afternoons at football practice. Kenny is so preoccupied with his many girlfriends, he kept an organizer to make sure he had time to hang with them. Cartman thinks he's a fucking whore and genuinely smiles when Kyle begrudgingly agrees.

That's how it started. Stan's no longer that annoying buffer between him and Kyle and Kenny might as well have been invisible to start with. Kyle's more focused on his studies, but with no one to bitch and nag, he gravitates to Cartman's shitty grades and mother hens him into these gay ass study sessions. Cartman's not horrified about studying, but the idea of them hiding away in his room where they had all the privacy in the world did.

They complained about everything. They bitched about random shit. They practiced their aim throwing Cheesy Poof pieces into the other's mouth. But Cartman gets too overeager with their games one day and just like that, he becomes an expert in geography. Two heavy tectonic plates come together more easy than the way their bodies suddenly snap into one. He could still feel Kyle clawing into his hair and the brush of his soft red curls against his cheek when he bends down to suckle at his throat.

It's uneventful and quiet. There's no fanfare to their relationship. It's South Park - no one really gave a shit that two teenagers suddenly went gay for each other. Stan bitched once, maybe twice. That was it.

He dated Kyle for two years and it's bliss. They don't talk about why or how it happens, it just _is_. The attraction has always been there since they were in preschool. It had to give sooner or later. They still bickered and complained, but there's an added dimension of sex and hormones to temper the flames.

It's kisses instead of fists. It's desperate embraces instead of shoves. Cartman decides the evolution of their relationship is pretty fucking sweet.

Kyle wants to go to college after high school. That's where the problems start. Cartman can't cope with his studies no matter how hard Kyle tried. School doesn't work for him. He prefers experience in the real world instead of theoreticals and philosophy. Kyle wanted him to do better than some gas station job - and it pissed him off.

This becomes the rift in their relationship. He's bitter and resentful of how Kyle flourishes academically and everyone cheers and gives him asspats for his perfect SAT score. No one gives him a party for barely passing the ninth grade - not even his mother. He's no longer cute enough for his mother to spoil him anymore.

He started up smoking to get attention. Kyle's absolutely livid despite their hijinx with the tobacco company when they were kids. Smoking helps him lose the weight, Cartman had defended, but not in a good way, and Kyle isn't impressed when he shows him how he dropped three sizes in his jeans.

He thought being slimmer and more handsome would help him keep Kyle, if not academically. It's not much, but it's all he's got at this rate. He starts drinking and getting into fist fights and it starts going viral on Facebook with his peers. For the first time in his life, he's considered legitimately cool.

All of Kyle's hard work goes down the drain the moment Cartman skips enough school to make him ineligible for junior year. He willingly drowns in pride and smugness to make a point to Kyle that he doesn't need him and he succeeds.

On a fateful Tuesday night, their latest argument ends in a violent shouting match. Kyle doesn't want a badass motherfucker with a switchblade. Cartman calls him a bitch, but regrets it afterwards when Kyle shoves him out the door and deletes him off his phone and every social platform they were linked to. He goes from _in a relationship_ to _single_. They don't speak to each other again for the next two years.

It happens so fast, Cartman had been sure it was whiplash. No one comes to console him or comfort him. He's left alone with his broken thoughts and regret, so he reacts violently.

He wants Kyle to suffer for breaking up with him. His brawls steadily crawl up through the viral chain on Youtube, but he doesn't do it for the glory or popularity. He does it in revenge for Kyle giving up on him so easily.

Cartman slowly starts spending his time in Middle Park now because the parties are more wild and no one really knows his past. It's the perfect life to start over and make a name for himself. At the age of seventeen, he's the high school dropout you go to when you want to party. He's the literal underground. The sheep of teenage rebellion invite him to every party to drink and smoke and have all the sex he could ever want. Sometimes he'll even pull off a threesome if he's high enough, but afterwards it makes him sick.

But like clockwork, the party always ends quickly when someone anonymously calls the cops. Sometimes he's caught and forced to sit overnight in a jail cell to wait for his mother to bail him out. Sometimes he doesn't get out for weeks at a time because she forgets about him. He's been sent to rehab for alcohol and drugs but it's a revolving door of a broken institution and he always gets back in if the cops are lucky enough to catch him.

Now he's more than a high school dropout - he's got a criminal record. Bitches and twinks start coming in droves for the chance to slobber all over his dick.

He doesn't do it for the pleasure. It's to prove a point to Kyle. He tells it to every red head he manages to get into bed, even when their noses aren't as sharp and their hair isn't the right shade. He kicks them out afterwards because they just don't make the cut to last the morning. No one does.

His spiral of teenage rebellion hits literal rock bottom when he finds that Kyle's in a relationship with some asshole in North Park. He stops lazing around and partying for the sake of scheming up a way to visit Kyle's new boyfriend up there and deal with him the old fashioned way, but he's too drunk and high off his ass to go through with it. He wakes up in some seedy gas station bathroom with a tire iron halfway to North Park and a headache that threatened to crack his skull in as his only companion.

Kyle isn't allowed to move on with his life without him, but he is, and it's killing Cartman with every drug-addled day that passes. He's left behind. Like usual.

He doesn't keep tabs on anyone else in South Park anymore. He wants to move to Denver and rise to the top of a pyramid scheme or form some sort of drug cartel. It makes his 'friends' smile and laugh at the possibilities, but in private he wishes for something simpler.

One night, he dreams about him and Kyle living the gay dream sharing a small apartment in Denver. They fight over stupid shit like not having leftovers for dinner or what to binge next on Netflix. Kyle is curled against his side when the dream ends and he wakes up in someone's dirty ass couch outside of a trailer park.

For the first time in his life, he breaks down and cries.

The ninth time he ends up in rehab, they tell him he can stay a bit longer. He's paid through the entire month if he wanted and he's left wondering if his mom made big on the lottery or something and forgot to inform him.

Cartman decides not to do hard drugs anymore and he's glad for it. He's been sober for three months, but he still drinks like a mule. The counselor wants to work on that next, but he leaves early instead. He doesn't like to stay cramped up in a sick space for too long.

When he returns to South Park to pack up the rest of his shit, he finds out his mother never paid for his rehab bills. He doesn't think much on it. The less time he remained in South Park, the better, but there's one last trip to make.

He's going to move to Denver like he always dreamed about and try to get his shit together for once in his life.

Senior year ends for Kyle and Stan. Kenny dropped out months ago and got a job fixing cars to help take care of things at home. Kyle was valedictorian and his speech was recorded on Butters' Instagram account so Cartman spends the last few days rewatching the five minute clip. Kyle was utterly beautiful in his graduation gear and his voice carries in his room like a long forgotten song.

He later crashes Token's graduation party just for shits and giggles, but he's hoping to see Kyle one last time. No one recognizes him, not even Butters, and the rapid weight loss and the way he cut his hair so short didn't help the slightest. It's when he calls Stan a pussy for choking over a bottle of tequila does his identity finally return to the newly legal adults of South Park. He's nearly suffocated by their hugs and screams.

He's surprised by the welcome. Stan hangs onto his shoulders like he was the fucking ghost of Christmas past while Butters and Kenny can't stop hugging or touching him to make sure he's real. He was gone, but not quite forgotten, and he's not sure how to process this in his mind.

Kyle isn't at the party. Stan says he hasn't been in a very festive mood since he broke up with his boyfriend. Cartman is ecstatic to hear that the mystery man has been kicked to the curb, but the liquor quickly sends him into a fit of depression. It was obvious who was the winner in all of this, but at this point he couldn't muster enough fucks to care.

He wants to see Kyle one last time.

Around three in the morning he finds himself back on the Broflovski welcome mat. He doesn't care that he's banging on the wood loud enough to wake up the entire neighborhood.

"KAAAAAAAHHHHHLLLLL!" he slurs out desperately.

The door suddenly opens and he half expects it to be Kyle's fat bitch of a mother coming to chase him off the yard with a broom. Instead of the large woman, it's Kyle - and he's wearing nothing but flannel pants and a muted frown. The sight is worth more than the dozens Cartman's slept with in the past.

There's a flatness to Kyle's stare. It's wary and one blink away from shutting the door on his face. Cartman braces both hands on the frame to stop him and dips his head down in defeat. "You win…" he whispers hoarsely.

"This wasn't a competition, Cartman," he replies shortly and it's the most beautiful sound he's ever heard. "You really fucked yourself up this time."

"I know," Cartman whispers. He wants time to stand still so he can bask in this moment. It's just him, Kyle, and the chilly summer air. He wants to stay with Kyle forever. That's all he really wants. The world can move on without him for all he cared so long as Kyle was there with him every step of the way.

He hopes that when he looks up, Kyle could pick up this unsung wish through his tired blue eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" It's the most sincere he's ever been.

Cartman's suddenly grabbed by the collar and dragged into the dark living room. No one but Kyle is here - his parents just traveled out of town to drop Ike off for his jewbilee.

He doesn't care if Kyle's bringing him in just to kick his ass and do away with the evidence. The alcohol brings him to his knees, but he holds on to Kyle's wrists like a vice. He's literally at the edge of his dignity like this. It sickens him, but it's the most liberating thing he's ever done. He does it because it's Kyle.

It's always going to be for Kyle.

"I'm sorry…" he keeps repeating. It feels good for once in his life to speak his mind without censoring it. "I'm sorry…"

"I know," Kyle says, but it's not enough for him.

"I'm sorry you gave up on me." It's raw and unyielding. The words hurt so much to say, Cartman was literally in tears by the end of it. "Kyle… I'm sorry I gave you up. I'm fucked, Kyle. I don't want to be a piece of shit anymore. Please. Please help me…"

His throat is tight and the lack of oxygen makes him dizzy. He barely registers the broken look on Kyle's face, but he could feel the cool press of lips against his brow.

"I didn't give up on you," Kyle admits gently against his clammy skin. "I wanted you to get your shit together on your own. You had to hit rock bottom to know, Eric."

This is the first time he's ever used his first name. He's born again. Thousands of years worth of religion and philosophy doesn't stir his soul to enlightenment like Kyle does now. Eric is baptized by the press of Kyle's lips against his and the fire leaves nothing but destruction to his senses. His hatred and insecurity are cinder and ashes.

The kiss promises something new. There's no words about it. They never needed it. Kyle helps him empty out his stomach into the nearest toilet. It's gross and a boner killer, but Eric doesn't need sex to validate himself anymore. Curling into Kyle's warm arms in his childhood bed was more fulfilling than all the vices and freedoms the world wanted to offer him.

Kyle's financial credit is absolute shit thanks to the stunt he pulled for the town when they were kids. Offering his own credit is Kyle's graduation gift when they move to a small rundown apartment in Denver. Kyle takes a few courses at the community college for pre-med and Eric tries his hand at social networking with the contacts he made during his stint in Middle Park. He's successful enough to keep the rent afloat and it's his turn to bitch at Kyle to get a part time job.

He finds the climbing pile of bills from the rehab he went to in Kyle's name and copies of police reports for every party he went to that got busted. He never mentions it. He doesn't think Kyle wants him to know.

They don't fight over Netflix (they can't even afford that shit), but they do bicker like children again over whether or not ramen counts as breakfast with their budget. Their furniture is secondhand and they've got a snooping landlord, but the view overlooks the city and he thinks this is way more satisfying than getting crunked in someone's shitty basement.

Boring is good, Eric decides when Stan and Kenny come to visit. They do nothing but bitch and play video games, but when they leave it's just him and Kyle.

He's not left behind this time. Maybe he's never been left in the first place and he needed to grow his ass up first. It's just a shift of reality, and his world remains the same so long as Kyle was there to challenge him to move forward.

And, well, it's happy ending enough for him.


End file.
